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> At first, I thought I was dreaming, but I was (typically) wide awake at 4 AM… Then I thought I was surely going crazy!
. Annoyed by a half hour of sleep here and there, when what I sought was eight hours of solid, uninterrupted oblivion, I threw the too-hot covers aside and cursed. (I curse a lot. It seems to help.) Nothing to do but redirect my attention, lest a blind fury of frustration overtake me, so I donned my ratty old bathrobe and slipped into my matted fuzzy slippers that have certainly seen better days, and went into the kitchen for- I dunno, some ice cream or something I shouldn’t be eating. And that’s when it began.
. I started to hear the thoughts of my household objects.
. I know! I was as surprised as you!
. As I dropped a piece of bread into my toaster, preparing to slather it with peanut butter, I heard it scold me about buying white bread instead of whole wheat. “White bread and peanut butter are starting to make you look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy!” it thought, which I thought more than a bit rude. I gave up on the toast and unplugged the nasty appliance.
. Opening the freezer, I heard my fridge tell me to stop eating so much ice cream and ignoring the frozen vegetables that have been incased in ice there since the dawn of man.
. Bringing my treat to the living room, I thought I’d watch some TV- but as soon as I sat on it, my damn couch complained: “Oof! Someone’s gaining weight! Ice cream? Really?! Aren’t you fat enough?” I just pretended not to hear the insult.
. Turning on the television, I found a funny ‘Three Stooges’ flick and my asshole TV griped: “You never want to watch anything good! All this comedy crap has turned your brains to mush!”
. Shit. All my appliances were conspiring to make me feel bad about myself!
. I got up and unplugged the fucking TV and turned to my laptop to surf the web. Surely there would be something diverting there to pass the time until I was exhausted enough to actually sleep. But as soon as I powered the little turd up, it snidely complained that I never want to watch any of the really good porn. I powered down and removed the damn battery.
. Okay. Time to pursue elusive sleep again, but I had to make a pitstop to the commode…
. The second I sat my butt down upon the seat, my toilet asked me: “Why do you always give me so much crap all the time? Do you know what the view is like from here?!” Just for that, I didn’t flush. Serves it right.
. By now I was pretty grumpy- as you might well imagine! Wouldn’t you be? But when I crawled back into bed and my pillow began to complain that my head was too hot, well that was just the limit. I blew my stack.
. Gathering up all my worldly goods, I threw them all out onto the front lawn! All that shit! I dragged out my asshole couch and my dickhead TV and my lame excuse for a toaster and my big double bed with its shitty pillows even that fucking fridge- though I emptied the food into a bunch of shopping bags. (The toilet I figured, I was just going to have to live with. In fact, after this, it will be a pleasure to use it!) Throwing my laptop on top of the heap, I scrawled a big “FREE STUFF” sign over the mirror that thought I was getting uglier every day, and propped it against the exercise bike that complained I never used it.
. Dawn had broken, and I was well and truly exhausted. That was a lot of work! Earlybird neighbors were already picking through my treasures with a perverse gusto, before they headed off their busy lives.
. Slamming the front door with a good-riddance vengeance, I regarded my now empty house: Silence at last! Beautiful, beatific, blissful, heavenly silence! I tore off my clothes, using them as a pillow, and slept naked on the floor.
– Turns out, I never slept so well in all my life! Shoulda jettisoned that crap long ago…
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© Kevin Paul Keelan and lastcre8iveiconoclast, 2020. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Kevin Paul Keelan and lastcre8iveiconoclast with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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