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> I turned off the TV, took my meds, brushed my hair and combed my teeth and dragged my big, fat lazy body into bed, pulling out my book du jour and surprise, surprise- before I knew it, I was actually asleep. That never happens!
. But then, through the haze of sleep, I heard the TV playing. I thought it must have been the neighbors, until I looked at my alarm clock and saw it was 4 AM. The neighbors are always complaining about the noise from strange goings-on here in the dark of night. It couldn’t be them. And it was kinda loud! Then I realized what I was hearing. It was a program I watched as a young child that hadn’t been on TV for half a century! The theme song brought back a rush of warm memories: “Hooray! Hurrah! It’s Winchell Mahoney time, it’s time for fun! Hooray! Hurrah! We’re glad everybody’s here, c’mon let us give a cheer for everyone!” I thought I must be dreaming it, but the sound really seemed to be coming from inside the living room, not inside my head.
. 4 AM.
. Shit.
. Again, I donned the requisite bedclothes and went out warily to see why my TV was suddenly blaring, when I was absolutely certain I had switched it off after Colbert. It was Winchell-Mahoney Time alright, circa 1965. I walked into the room and looked around. No intruders anyway. After turning the sound down to a reasonable level, I stood to watch it for a while. The wooden dummies Jerry Mahoney and Knucklehead Smiff were having a comic conversation, but oddly, their puppetmaster ventriloquist Paul Winchell was nowhere to be seen. After listening for a while, I got the uncomfortable feeling that their dialogue was not very kid-friendly for a children’s show! It was almost as though they were sentient entities who were unaware the camera was rolling, and talking about some pretty personal stuff and inadvertently giving us a glimpse of the private lives of dummies!
. Then I heard the toilet flush! What the…?! I live alone, and certainly wasn’t expecting 4 AM guests. Who should come out of my bathroom but Paul Winchell! I don’t know what I was thinking, I just blurted out: “Paul Winchell! But didn’t you die in 2005? I mean- aren’t you dead?!” As soon as I said it, it felt like a faux pas- not the sort of thing one mentions in polite conversation.
. “Well, I used to be…”, he said, with a wink and a jocular swagger. And before I could ask him what he was doing in my living room (alive, at 4 AM, in 2020!), the most astounding thing happened! Jerry and Knucklehead both climbed out of my TV and into my living room! They were alive. Fully alive! Jerry took a seat on the couch and Knucklehead asked: “Got any beer?” as he walked into the kitchen on comically spindly legs. Picking up my remote control, Jerry switched channels. It was Felix the Cat! Again, the theme song, embedded into my DNA: “Felix the Cat! The wonderful, wonderful cat! Whenever he gets in a fix, he reaches into his bag of tricks!” And before I knew it, Felix joined us as well, setting his bag of tricks on the coffee table and pulling out a bong that was much bigger than the bag it was in.
. As you might imagine, I was at a loss for words. While Felix did bong hits with Jerry Mahoney, Paul Winchell was slow dancing with Betty Boop! They disappeared into my guest room as Maynard G. Krebbs arrived holding a gigantic baggie of weed.
. This was getting out of control, so I stood to turn off the TV, but Popeye reached out from the television and grabbed the remote out of my hands! Leaping out with a can of spinach, he started changing channels until we were joined by Batman and Robin, Alfred E. Newman, Captain Kangaroo in nothing but a bath towel! (I didn’t ask!) Charlie Brown and Lucy- canoodling, Snoopy and Snagglepuss, Mickey and Minnie Mouse! Sheriff John and Hobo Kelly! Jonny Quest, who seemed a bit young to be snorting cocaine with a wild-eyed Thaddeus J. Toad of the top of Mr. Clean’s big bald head. Walt Disney had Annette Funicello on his arm and J.F.K. had a giggly Marilyn Monroe. Charro was dancing on my coffee table. I rushed to unplug the TV.
. No effect!
. The childhood icons kept coming like a swarm of bees! James Bond 007- martini in one hand, Ursula Andress in the other, William Shakespeare who appeared to be having an argument with Hamlet, Prince of Denmark over some fine plot point. Porky Pig was playing a drinking game with a group that included Rocky and Bullwinkle, Gilligan, Maxwell Smart, George Jetson, Underdog and a nervous, twitchy Mighty Mouse. What Beany was doing to Cecil I cannot say, but it is an image that will haunt me forever! And the party was spreading through the house like an unchecked virus!
. The Addams Family was romping with The Munsters in the swimming pool- naked! And Hogan and all his heroes were playing strip-poker with Haley Mills and Patty Duke, who appeared to be losing handily based on their various states of undress. I did not think this a coincidence. Hearing the loud squeal of an amplifier being fired up on my front lawn, I raced around the side of the house to find The Beatles about to perform on my front lawn! My first thought was that my prissy neighbor lady was really going to hate this, but when they fired up “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” she was dancing the way the teenage wild things did on Shindig! Foghorn Leghorn was gregariously staffing a sticky, dripping pony keg and Cher was beating the hell out of Sonny in my driveway to the tune of a sing-along version of “Yellow Submarine”. Couples!
. It was then that I felt Soupy Sales tug on my sleeve before receiving a big face full of whipped cream pie. This was turning out to be a memorable evening.
. Wiping the foamy cream from my eyes, I staggered onto the front porch, where I found scheming Dr. Zachary Smith and the Lost in Space robot G.U.N.T.E.R. playing Russian Roulette with Sherry Lewis and Lambchop! I was just not cool with this. Not on my front porch! Snatching the pistol from the little lamb’s hoofed paws, I burst into my house where I found Tom and Jerry going at it, as were the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote, racing between people and breaking precious, irreplaceable things. Zorro had his blade out and was making confetti of my curtains. I think he was drunk. Casper the Not-So-Friendly Ghost appeared to be shitfaced as well, and was looking to pick a fight with anyone who dared make eye contact. I made that mistake and he got in my face and yelled: “What you gonna DO- shoot me dead? Ha! Yer too fuckin’ late Jack!” I diverted my gaze. Topcat and Garfield appeared to be engaged in a no-holds-barred catfight- or perhaps they were mating. Hard to tell. Santa Claus brought Rudolf along who of course, dropped a big pile of reindeer poop on the carpet! I went to get cleaning supplies before someone stepped in it and tracked it around the house, but while I was gone, somebody arrived that seemed to completely alter the mood of the room. From the garage, I could hear a deathly hush spread through the crowd followed by what sounded like a hasty evacuation. Grabbing what I needed, I returned to the scene.
. What a wreck! Spilt beer, broken glass, vomit- you name it! And standing there, in the middle of it all, looking sad and wounded: The Grim Reaper- the ultimate party-pooper. “Oh man!” he said mournfully. “Wherever I go, people vanish. I just can’t seem to have any social life whatsoever!” A spent, happy Walter Winchell and a disheveled Betty Boop suddenly burst cluelessly from their backroom tryst, and confirmed his point by gasping at the sight of him and bidding a hasty retreat. Betty left her bra on the floor.
. I felt really bad for the guy. He stayed to help clean up, which was a lot quicker with two, and then we played cards until well after sunrise. I thought it wise to let him win, you know… considering.
. As he stood to leave, I found the courage to ask him in a squeaky voice: “See you soon?”, hoping with every fiber of my being that the answer would be a firm, unequivocal NO. The ubiquitous reaper smiled, and for the first time all night, I felt afraid of him.
– “Sooner than you’d like!” he said, picking up his scythe and walking out the front door to visit a neighbor of mine.
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© Kevin Paul Keelan and lastcre8iveiconoclast, 2020. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Kevin Paul Keelan and lastcre8iveiconoclast with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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