“The Alphabet According to KPK” (26 Absurd Alliterations to Furrow the Brow, by KPKeelan)

> I have always been an avid aficionado of alluring alliteration … Here’s a romp through the alphabet!

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ALBERT’S AWFUL ACCIDENT

Albert Atwater ate absolutely atrociously!
Avidly alternating between apples and avocados,
Al ate with amazing abandon,
absentmindedly assimilating Annie Albergetti’s Allspice Astringent.

And asinine Albert almost asphyxiated!

.

BERTHA Vs. BETTY Vs. BART Vs. BRIAN BOSWELL

Bouncing back from bed,
Bertha Brawn bit Betty Brown’s bulging beer belly.
“Bitch!”, Betty broadcast boisterously.
Bringing boxes bulging with billions of beef bullion bits,
Bart bitterly buried both in bright beige bullion.
By-and-by, Brian Boswell barged in,
brazenly bayoneting Bart’s bulging buttocks,
braying: “Banzai, brute!”
Then, with Brian beating brusquely on the boy’s back, Bart burped
bloating his bulging bags to bursting
and bathing Betty and Bertha in blue bile.
It was butchery!

But better than before, basically.

.

CRY CANDY CRY

Carl cared convincingly for Candy, in Calgary Canada.
Copulating, they conceived Curly, their crazy kid.
The couple cared copiously for Curly,
but certain cringing carpet crawlers creep the curious critter out,
causing convulsive crying.
Christ, can Curly cry! Continually!
That kid can cry crazily
and with a creepy commitment to cruelty!

Crap. Curly! Cease!

.

THE DARLINGS DEFYING DEMOCRATIC DOGMA

DeeDee Darling dared to dip delicately
down David’s diapers, discovering doo-doo.
“Don’t doo-doo!”, DeeDee disciplined the diminutive dude dutifully.
Disposing of Dirty David down a disease-drenched dumpster,
DeeDee deigned to dance diligently-
demonstrating her duty to dad Darling who died disastrously.
DeeDee despised daddy’s dying demand
that DeeDee dance dutifully, doggedly defying death.
(Dad had a despicably dire disposition.)
David died dreadfully and
DeeDee duly divorced Darryl Darling, the dim dunce!

So don’t do what David did!

.

ESMERELDA AND EDWARD ESCAPE EATING EITHER EGGPLANT OR EGGS

Early Easter evening, Edwina effortlessly entered
Eileen’s Eastern Eatery in Eaton, England-
expecting Edward Ellsworth to enjoy eating eggplant-
and with extended exposure, eventually even eggs or escargot.
Elsewhere, Eddy eagerly expected Esmerelda’s eminent entrance
ensconced in elegant eggshell ermine,
at Ethan’s Egyptian Emporium, in eastern Estonia,
expecting Esmerelda to enjoy eating Egyptian edibles.
Essentially, Esmerelda eschewed everything eggy on Easter…

Evidently, the entire evening ended eventlessly for everyone.

.

FAT FRANKIE F. FINDS FORTUNE AND FAME

Frankie F. Farquat, following foul fumes,
found Francine Fatcat’s favorite forefinger
floating freely in fresh French fries.
Fat Frankie feared father Fatcat’s furor,
but fancied Francine’s fingerless fist.
Finally finding funding for five fast food firms,
Fat, fatuous Frankie found forgiveness and fame
financing FAT F. FARQUAT’S FAMOUS FINGER FRIES…

making a fucking fortune in franchising!

.

GINA G. AND GERRY G. LEARN TO SHARE

Gentle gentile Gina Geribaldi was a gem.
Gina got grotesque gonorrhea
grudgingly gratifying gluttonous green graduate Gary G. Griffin,

who was gross but genuinely grateful.

.

HARRY, HEATHER AND HEATHER’S HAIR

Hurriedly, Harry hesitated hastily,
hoping his heart’s heroine Heathe
had hung her honeyed hair handsomely.
(However, having habitually hated her wholly horrible hair,
he hardly had a hope in hell.)
Henceforth humorless Harry hissed: “Here Heather! Hop hither, hag!”
Hurdling herself hence,
Heather had to hide her horrendously hideous hairless head.

Heather heard her husband hated hairless harlots.

.

IRVING OF ILLINOIS GETS IRRITATED

I invited Irving Irwin of Illstown, Illinois
to an interactive internet interview for interns with irritated intestines.
The ignorant idiot never initiated intelligible intellectual intercourse.

Illiterate ignoramus!

.

NOT ABOUT JILL, JENNIFER, JACK OR JOLLY JOE

“Just joking!“, Jerry Jacobs Jr. jived,
judging Judy to be a Jew for Jesus.

“Jackass!”, Judy muttered justly.

.

KELVIN KEEPS KILLING

Kelvin, from Kalamazoo keeps killing kleptomaniacs.

(Kangaroos and kinkajous aren’t safe either.)

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LARS

Lars Lipnick liked licking lovely licorice, but loved liquefied liver!

.

MAJOR MAXIMUM’S MOMENTOUS MEDIA MELEE

Mortified metal men meandered menacingly,
majestically marching to the motel mausoleum
where merry Meredith McMurphy of Middleville, Minnesota
met morbid Major Michael Maximum of Mayor, Maine-
mainly on Mondays.
At managing Major Maximum’s many money matters,
merry Meredith was most magnificent.
Meticulously maintaining mighty military machinery,
macho Michael made mysterious millions.
In May, many murderous messages made the mass media,
unmasking the Major’s malignant monetary mysteries
and making modest Meredith mighty mad.

She testified against the Major
and the misanthrope migrated to prison for many, many moons!

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NED NEVER KNEW

Ned was not a Neapolitan.
He was not from The Netherlands, Newark or Nicaragua.
Never had Ned’s notorious nationality been known.
Never. Nohow. And not now.
Naturally, neither Nelly (Ned’s niece and nanny).
nor Norman, (Ned’s neophyte nephew),
knew Ned never knew.
Nelly and Norman never needed Ned to know-
and now that Ned’s dead,
he’ll never know:

He was a Neo-Neopolitan!

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OCCASIONAL OPPOSITION

Ornery old Oswald the Orangeman openly opposed overt oppression-
in October only.

Otherwise, Oswald could obviously care less.

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PENNY PERSUADES THE PROFESSOR

Professor Peter Periwinkle was a putz.
(Pork and peapod pies padded the professor’s pink paper pants.)
Pretty Penny was a purely puerile pupil.
Peering past puffy Professor P.,
perky Penny passively perfected her petulant predisposition.
Panting pensively, Penny persuaded the prodigal professor to pray
for predominantly Prussian penitentiary prisoners on parole.

The professor prayed, but it didn’t seem to help one pittance.

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QUIETLY QUACKY

Quincy Q. Quirk was a quintessential Quaker.
Quincy quivered- quieting “Quacky”,
his queer but quaint Quahog from Quebec.

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REDNECK RAGE AND REPUBLICAN RUBBER

Rusty was a ribald ragamuffin, rabidly rekindling redneck rage
with righteous religiosity and repressive reactionary ruminations.
It was remarkably rude
when Rusty ruthlessly ripped Ruby’s rare rose-red rubber wrap
at that Republican reception in Rosedale, Rhode Island.

Really a rat, was Rusty!

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SALLY’S SILLY STORY

Sally, sole survivor of a surreal shipwreck, simmered spicy stew
as she sewed stitches in her sexily short silver skirt,
saying she had shown her searing soul
to so many sighing saints and singing sinners-
and so soon they stammered and screamed, showing sentiments so silly.
(So silly, say it isn’t so!)
So, showing severe sentimentality, Sally shed a single sad tear,
stirred her soupy stew, sipped suds and shouted severely to Shirley:

“Seriously sister! How many “S”s are in Mississippi?

.

TEATIME FOR TEDDY T.

Theology teacher Teddy Tiberius Titmouse timidly took tea till ten
typically terrified at the thought of thoughtlessness.
(Though, to be totally true to textbook tales-
today Theodore took tea till ten-twenty-two…)
Truly, Trevor the theocratic thespian was terribly ticked.

He’s a tight-ass toady. Totally.

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URSULA’S UTERUS

Ursula’s ungodly ugly umbilical underside,
usually evoked understandable adulation
when undulating under ubiquitous umber umbrellas in Uruguay.

.

VERONICA’S VALUABLE VOTE

Virginal Veronica Vesuvius was a very voluble voyeur,
no villain, but a vulnerable videographer and virtuous violin virtuoso.

She voted for vile Vladimir Vostock, who was not victorious.

.

THE WEDDING OF WENDY AND WALTER WIGWAM

When Wendy Wed Walter, Wendy wed a wired weasel.
When Walter wed Wendy, Walter wed a whimsical wretch.

Why wed, we wondered, when wholly weird?

.

“TRIPLE-X!”

Dr. Xavier X. Xanadu excused himself from the table to take a shit.

This was much more than any of the dinner guests needed to know…

.

YOLANDA AND THE YUCKY YEAST

Young Yolanda Young yelled at yellow yeast yesterday.

The yeast was not offended.

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ZACH STUDIES ZOOLOGY ZEALOUSLY

Zackary Zappa from Zaire, was a zany zoology zero

and a xenophobic xylophone zealot with a zest for zucchini!

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© Kevin Paul Keelan and lastcre8iveiconoclast, 2024. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Kevin Paul Keelan and lastcre8iveiconoclast with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.