> This strange comic monologue, was part of both hair-cutting ceremonies I produced: the rites of passage WAKE (a Zen/Punk Ritual) in 1980, and WAKE II (a Rebirth) in 1996. It is a parody of modern, put-upon man: overloaded with fears and doubts and anxieties and getting far too much information to possibly separate the lies from the truth, preferring easy targets to vent his wrath and prognosticate a bleak forecast for the near-future of man. Some pretty dark humor, with a crack of daylight breaking through at the end. I love performing it! Unfortunately, it is both dated and more appropriate than ever. I see Donald Trump in every word!
RANTING MAN: As you can well imagine, being an unqualified expert on everything, I am often asked about the BIG QUESTIONS; The Ultimate Mysteries; The Meaning of Life. Why are we here? Is there a reason behind human existence?
Isn’t it obvious? You must not be paying attention! It’s like this:
The seed, the sperm, the egg- the union and: BIRTH!
The crying- the feeding, the crying- the feeding, the crying- the migraine!
The money. The moneymoneymoneymoneymoney! Whoops. There we go.
Slipping from recession to depression, as the rich get richer and the poor get screwed. I know, okay? I’ve seen it. It’s the International Judeo-Christian New-Age Zen-Punk Conspiracy! A secret cabal of Freemasons and paparazzi, working in cahoots with the Federal Reserve Bank to install the Trilateral Commission in the White House!
As if you didn’t know…
And its all the fault of those damn troublesome minorities! Black people, white people, people of suspect (or specious) ethnic origins and deviant religious beliefs…
A.C.L.U. Nazis, A.A.R.P. fascists, and N.B.A. all-stars with STD’s!
Left-handed, pigeon-toed, cross-eyed lesbian nuns and their liberal ilk, secretly pull the puppet-strings, to whose manipulations we all dance our knee-jerk social goosestep. And leave us not forget the Anglo-Sexist imperialistic Yankee-Doodle dogs and their putrid vermin.
Nation-building. Right! Send in the I.M.F. to invade the Y.M.C.A., I say. Do it today and the tide will begin to turn tomorrow. You’ll see.
Build fences, I say. Enforce borders! Protect our sacred national boundaries and punish compassionate scofflaws!
Declare war on the Indian nations and finish the job once and for all! Frankly friends, I never understood why them supposedly “American” Injuns don’t go back where they came from and leave us innocent white meat alone.
“White guilt” indeed! Give me a break.
If there’s one creature I CANNOT abide, it’s a bigot… like me. Or you!
Look around you: racism, injustice, discrimination, social deterioration and ignorance everywhere. You’d think they teach our kids to be ignorant! (Which might not be a bad idea, I don’t know…)
It’s a CONTAGION, that’s what it is- a DISEASE! And the perpetrators of this scum are out there, they are.
Waiting patiently and ever-so-silently, IN THE CLOSETS AND UNDER THE BEDS!
Everyone’s neurotic. Most of us are clinically psychotic. On some level, we are ALL criminally insane!
Misdemeanors- like mother’s milk, that’s where it begins. Before you know it, it’s felonies like grand-theft, extortion, carjacking, prostitution, libel and slander and used car sales! Insurance peddling, celebrity kidnappings, consumer-fraud and of course the ever popular traditional favorites of turf-wars, street-brawls and the ever delightful gang-bang. (All rights reserved.) And you talk about robbery? Wake up and alert yourself to the subtle but massive everyday burglary of millions of tiny, seemingly-insignificant articles- the important little things like, like, like- paper clips.
This is all true. You know it. It’s happening and you’re a part of it.
I’m talking about the irrefutable fact that white, blue and non-collar criminal unions are thieving, robbing, looting, stealing and pilfering our undies from off our very backsides, while so-called “graffiti artists” spray-paint the word “FUCK” on every available surface… And even worse: their penmanship is atrocious! (Don’t they teach anything in public schools?!)
This is all bad. Very bad. But we have yet to examine the Xylophone Murders, muggings and mayhem! MISTRUST. I mistrust ’em ALL, and mistrust- that’s the catalyst.
So what have you got? Suspicion.
And suspicion leads to fear, fear leads to pressure, and pressure leads to tension. Behind (and because) of it all there is repression, which naturally follows, and is naturally followed by (what else?) CONFLICT. Conflict, conflict and more conflict. Conflict is depressing because it’s frustrating, which causes everyone to worry about all this STRESS. This mess causes apathy, which is boring, and which quickly leads to bitterness. Next comes even more confusion, more fear. Lots more fear. Fear of dis and fear of dat, and what’s da result? Hatred and more fear.
Why, everything is spiraling into anarchy in the face of dangerous threats- perilous threats! And then, gradually the coercion starts to become intolerable, and the progression to outright aggression begins!
Now it’s an easy hop, skip and a jump to the use of force, to violence, to despair, to misery.
Still, everywhere and always, a reliably generous saturation of the ever-exploited ultra-violence. You can see it on the TV, in advertising, at work, in the home, on the streets: people are being shot, stabbed, strangled, hung, poisoned, torn-apart, immolated, skinned-alive, beheaded, electrocuted, gassed, tortured, tattooed and otherwise abused- and nobody gives a shit. Not so long as it isn’t them… (It’s never them.)
I’m talking missiles and suicide bombings.
I’m, talking beatings and then burnings of starving babies bloody bodies on endless battlefields everywhere!
Only one thing can stop it:
Mom’s Apple Pie. (“It never fails to cure all that ails, including the ails it instigates!”)
Long live the welfare state!
And narcotics! Oh yes, give us more- much more marijuana, mescaline and magic mushrooms, LSD, ecstasy, all the uppers, downers and in-betweeners, the ever-deadly alcohol and the evil nicotine! Popsicles! Curly-fries!
Dopers hangovers after (what else?) pot-parties! Why not? Superman AND Satan vote Nixon in 2012!
And all this unseemly talk about bipolar bisexuals and other sundry perverts fornicating obscenely in public places, forever spreading their cursed plagues to cross-gendered queers and other homosexual sadomasochists… probably communist, one and all!
Let’s talk P.T.A.
They are ALL transsexual transvestite cannibals and they’re on every level of education in this God-forsaken country!
Don’t believe yourselves. You just cannot close your eyes to the fact that every day of the school year, the Teacher’s Union is forcing our children to commit unnatural acts of depraved bestiality, after hours spent viewing pornographic sex-ed videos they make after school in gyms and churches. THIS is “family-values” in America. I say, put sex back in the clinical laboratory, where it belongs!
Let’s look dispassionately at the facts:
THEY are bussing our childs to God-knows-where, for God-knows-why… (If you ask me, they’re all working for Nike in Honduran sweatshops. Why shouldn’t they? It’s a great opportunity for them.)
Listen to the low moan of their evil lies.
Lies, lies, lies! They’re LIARS, all of them: stupid, egotistical, greed-driven, power-hungry fascist pigs, that’s what they are: fascist PIGS!
Let’s face it: It all comes down to the omnipresent “THEM”. Everybody knows, THEY are the villains in this plot. I mean, where does one take his complaints to anyway? (Certainly not to THEM!)
Anti-this, and anti-that. Elton John and God are Gone With the Wind.
There is a myriad of unanswered questions.
Questions like- for instance: “How did this country ever think for itself before Fox News? Have you ever thought about that?
Vote! Vote, vote, vote the jokers into office! What our government is crying out for is a leader with the agile political savvy of a… a… Mickey Mouse. Yeah. Or better yet: MINNIE MOUSE! Sure! Why not? Minnie Mouse for Vice-Rabbi to the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms!
Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders don’t upset us.
Oh, for another Vietnam! Now there was a war! (This Middle East stuff is just annoying.)
God-bless the small but happy peoples of the glorious Korean peninsula.
Hallelujah! Pass the mustard!
Tippie Canoe and Tyler Too, and gad what a beautiful world we would all share… if only I was Ultimate Tzar of Everything!
Brothers and sisters unite!
Beware the subversive atheist counter-culture of dangerously free-thinking radicals! UNITE, and crush the New-Left! (Or is it the New-Right?) Democrat, Republican, Scientologist- what does it matter? I don’t care. Just give me a job!
It’s oppression, that’s what it is.
Harassment by the mysterious agents of the illusive THEM…
(Or maybe even THEY!)
It’s nothing personal.
Just business-as-usual. Big business. Very Big Business. (After all, Time is Money, you know.)
Let’s speak in plain English, shall we?
It’s just a matter of time, isn’t it- until the great working classes capitulate to the insatiable demands of the Company, the Corporation, the Conglomerate Incorporated- and thank-you oh lord for giving me my daily monopoly, and preserve me my tax breaks!
Now we come to it: TECHNOLOGY the bastard brainchild of Science and Greed, who has outgrown her parents- gives us various- theories! and- hypothesis! about- phenomena!
urbanization, automation, two eggs over-easy please. No scallops, thank-you. Wild stock-market fluctuations caused by nasty computer viruses and seven dollar lattes!
AT LEAST… at very least, we are fortunate to have massive computerization in big cities around he world- useful for… classifying! into categories!
Think back: do you remember pre-globalization completion? Work, work work: the good-old Protestant Work Ethic. Bigger! Better! More, more more! I! Me!! Mine!!!
Today, thanks to the miracle of industry, there is more demand for more artificial everything- and there will be even more tomorrow! We should stimulate the construction of more nuclear reactors. It’s fun to rape Mother Nature, even if she has the purity of a well-used whore after a century of being passed around by the privileged.
Give us more industry! Make this a Wal-Mart America! Put a Starbucks on every corner!
Give us more industrial progress, more toxic byproducts and discharges of untreated waste! Waste, wasting, wasted: late to bed and late to rise- lots of drugs cause bloodshot eyes.
Global warming? Extraordinary rendition? Energy-crisis? It’s a crisis-crisis!
I tell you, the dominoes are falling on Washington D.C.! Armageddon is nigh, and I don’t even have my website up yet!
Let’s hear it for radioactive contamination! (I hear it puts hair on your chest!) Overpopulation, more and more people vying for an ever-shrinking pool of natural resources, disease, famine, war… These will soon no longer be a problem.
EVERYONE WIL BE DEAD.
Land, water and air pollution. Who cares? The bombs are on their deadly way.
And the FARMERS! Will they never stop? It’s time we wiped ’em all out with their own pesticides- teach ’em a lesson. Biologic warfare is what this country needs to stabilize it’s excess population, and don’t you forget it!
Confusion reigns supreme!
I tell you- look out for vampires, werewolves, earthquakes, hurricanes, tidal waves: catastrophes to say the least, unrest at the best! I mean- how do you think I feel?
My own once-perfect clone has been brainwashed by indecent filth on the Internet. (And you should SEE the credit card bills!)
Death is okay. It’s a natural process.
Ku-Klux-Klan infant-beatings and father-hangings, these things have a place in society. They serve a purpose… When they are caught these violent criminals should be castrated and then electrocuted!
Everything is shattering into factions, breaking down into tribes.
And all this fragmentation is setting the stage for rebellion.
The Revolution is about to revolt! We want DESTRUCTION. Devastation. Designer sneakers! We want to start a wave of mass-genocide, that once set into motion can never be stopped until it has carpeted the entire globe! Give us more- many more terrorist attacks in daring daytime sleeper-cell ambushes! Chemical weapon attacks on civilian populations! Cheap undocumented labor! Mutilation and gobs of gory guts clogging the gutters! Don’t you see? Don’t you get it? It’s the terminal-sickness of an ugly society and it must be eradicated before it’s too late to save us all!
Quick, quick! KILL IT before it multiplies!!
What can we do about it? The best of us are powerless pawns- knuckleheads filled with empty wishes and hopeless dreams. Judges and juries are jokers, one and all.
Elect them, I say!
There should be a place for people to go when they want to snuff it.
Mass-suicide is a good thing…
Stabilizes the economy. Corruption rots the guts of Amerika and the world!
We are slowly being ripped apart by polarization and polarization causes alienation. We are quickly becoming an alienated people and this is leading to a degradation of basic human worth. People are all but useless now. My self-esteem is shot.
Hell- it’s easy to push… THE BUTTON.
Why not? Buttons are made to be pushed, aren’t they?
now just suppose for a moment, hypothetically speaking, that our National Nuclear Warhead Deployment System is malfunctioning.
Think about it:
maybe it just simply doesn’t work…
How will we ever know for certain unless we TRY IT?
That’s the ULTIMATE ANSWER.
It’s there, my friends, there on the horizon! The great Cosmic-Climax is clearly visible on the event-horizon of humanity.
Damn! Sounds like one helluva party to me! (Too bad Jerry didn’t live to see it…)
What do you say we do what we can, as conscious concerned citizens, to help history along here, shall we?
Rally together peoples of the planet Earth!
ACCELERATE the madness.
Stand up and unite! Act now.
Turn every knob, pull every lever, push EVERY BUTTON! Plug every unused cord into every available outlet and flick all switches to ON!!!
So there is your answer, oh searcher.
Here is the Meaning of Life, oh pilgrim of the truth:
THE REASON we are all here, our mission on this pitiful planet… is to bring about our own total and complete ATOMIC ANNILATION!!!
…Or, maybe not. You never can tell.
* * *
© Kevin Paul Keelan and lastcre8iveiconoclast 1980, 1996, 2008, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Kevin Paul Keelan and lastcre8iveiconoclast with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.