God-Guy finds a new favorite peon named Abram, and predictably, puts him through the ringer!
. When Abram was a doddering 99 years ancient, once again The Big Kahuna called to him, offering yet another covenant. (By now, Abram could hardly keep up with all the undelivered promises.) Strange news! God wanted to give Abram and his missus a make-over. For starters, he christened them with new names: “Abraham” and “Sarah”, breaking the startling news that Sarah would soon bear him a son. “Ha!” laughed Abram… er: Abraham. “I’ve heard that one before! How can a limp old codger of almost 100 father a son with a dried-up crone of 90?” At this, God grew a little testy, saying: “Deal with it, man! You will knock her up and she’ll have a baby named ‘Isaac’ who will carry on the family curse… er: name.” And with this, Abraham felt a strange swelling in his tunic, that he hadn’t experienced for years. Cool! “Where is that woman?” growled Abraham. “She is about o get the surprise of her life!
. And so, nine months later a boy was born, and following directions they named him “Izzy”, meaning “so fucking funny”!
. When Izzy grew to be a man it was time to find him a mate. So old Abraham sent his most trusted servant to mesopotamia to find Izzy a wife from among his own kind. (Being racist, God didn’t cotton to the idea of mixing the races. If he wanted rainbow colored people he damn-well would have made them that way in the first place!) The servant was instructed exactly where to go. One of God’s pimps will meet you there and help you find a hot wench for my lad Izzy.” So off he went.
. When the servant reached the gates of the city, he bade his camels rest beside a sweet well. With no sign of the procuring Angel, he thought it wise to send out a few prayers to his master’s God, for further instructions. “Please sir,” he began haltingly, “send me a comely maiden who will offer me and my camels a drink. By this, I will know she is the chosen sex slave for my master’s kid.”
. Just her bad luck, a fetching chick named “Rebekah” happened along a moment latetr- and what do you know? She turned out to be Abraham’s niece! Good. Keeping it in the family was a longtime Biblical tradition. Sure enough- Rebekah drew some water from the well and came over to the praying servant to offer him a cool drink, because that was simple hospitality. She didn’t want word to get back to her uncle that she had been rude to his man. Unfortunately, being an animal lover, she offered the camels a drink also, sealing her fate.
. By way of reward, the servant dazzled the simple girl with gold with some tacky gold trinkets- jewelry that made her look like the whore she was abut to become, instructing her to run home and prepare some lodgings for him. When her bro Laban saw the golden finery his sis was sporting, he raced out to find this inexplicably wealthy servant, with the thought of procuring more booty in exchange for his sister’s virtue. The servant was invited to dinner, where he told his hosts of his mission to find some suitable poontang for his master. The following morning, Rebekah left with the servant, following God’s path for her: to be warm booty for a horny young squire.
You go, girl!
God Produces the first version of ‘Family Feud’, and it’s a doozy!
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A few years ago, I came across a copy of a children’s illustrated Bible in a free pile at a yard sale, and perusing the garish and lurid drawings I decided it might be an interesting read. No kidding! What a strange, twisted, perverted bunch of elaborate hooey it is. Intended to brainwash and indoctrinate impressionable young minds, I found it both alarming and as fascinating to watch as a train wreck. Part way through, I found myself reinterpreting each passage in my mind as I read it, in a most amusing and sacrilegious way, and thought it might be fun to transcribe these reimaginings as I went, with a bent toward illuminating the hidden or inferred meanings buried in the text. As I neared the end of the Old Testament, I became aware that as a piece of literature, it is crap, providing no ending whatsoever, but just kind of petering out in a couple half-hearted parables that seemed all but devoid of meaning. So I scrapped the project and forgot all about it. But when the first draft reemerged from the jetsam of my life, I gave it a read, and found myself laughing out loud throughout. As far as I’m concerned, this is an appropriate reaction to the Bible…
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