Mass-Murderer God sends enough rain to drown… almost everybody!
. Generations of newly-inbred humans repopulated the earth like vermin run amok. All this time, there were no immigrants or foreigners, so every good ol’ boy and gal spoke the same language, making it easy to plot among themselves, and begin to forget that they were underlings, acting as though they themselves were gods. The Big man grew concerned that once humankind fully realized they were built in his image, they would be unstoppable as a venereal disease. He really wanted to just kill them all again, but he had made that damn covenant with Noah’s bothersome descendants, so not wanting to look like a jerk, he held back.
. Watching with growing ire, Sir God the Vengeful saw the little swarm of monkeys in Babel working together to build a giant tower, reaching up to Heaven to rival his prowess. Their progress on the project alarmed God-the-killer. He knew he had to put the kibosh on this development before they actually built a tower to heaven and overran the place like cockroaches. With a second slaughter out of the question, (as long as the promise was remembered), He devised a sneaky way to stop them in their tracks. He saw to it that the following morning, everyone on this besieged planet woke up speaking a different language! Suddenly, no work could be conducted on the tower to Heaven, because no one had the faintest idea what the other guy was saying. This frustrated and pissed off everybody so much, that they abandoned their venerated City of ZBabel, and scattered across the globe seeking the ethnic foods they suddenly craved.
Thus, did our trickster God divide and conquer the easily flummoxed humans of earth…
. AFTER a dizzying amount of “begatting”, there came to be a man named “Abram” who was pious enough to garner God’s attention. Eager for a little excitement, God decided to chose another “favorite” to torment, and use to throw another big, entertaining monkeywrench into human events. So he spoke to Abram in his mighty voice, telling the simple fool to abandon all his roots and responsibilities and follow the Self-Appointed Deity on a wild goose chase to a new land where he will found a new nation, promising him the usual world of blessings, and his enemies the usual world of pain. So even though already a faltering 75, Abram took his wife and his good-for-nothing nephew “Lot” and a few hangers-on and set off to God knows where… literally. At least, if God knew, he wasn’t tellin’.
. Following a long and exhausting journey God-the-General commanded them to: “STOP. You have arrived at Party Central! This is the land I will give you to start your new cult. Good luck little fuckup”. Naturally, the first thing Abram and his clan set about doing was to build another altar or two. Terrified humans were always building altars in vain attempts to assuage the wrath of their impishly devilish God. (It rarely worked, but it was something to do and it was good for the construction industry.) Then Abram looked around and found that the joke was on him. God had led them to a rough, barren land. The natives there were so gripped with famine that the dining on one another began to be a real option. “Screw this!” thought the pious old man, sneaking away with his wife for a nice long vacation is Egypt, until things improved on the new homefront.
. When Abram returned with a nice tan and a keychain replica of the Sphinx, he discovered that although he and Lot were both rich, privileged men, the land was just not bountiful enough to support both wings of the family- let alone all the local riffraff and scallywags, so they agreed to separate into two camps, like a colony of bees grown too large. Once Lot was out of earshot, God assured Abram that he was indeed, God’s favorite, and truly the earthly boss of everything he could survey. So, of course, he built another useless and expensive altar to the lord. Things looked copacetic at first, but before long, the quibbling local herdsmen began to battle, and in the kerfuffle, Lot and his enterauge were captured and held prisoners of war. No problem! With the power of Sir Lord Dude behind him, old man Abram rode in like the calvary to the rescue, restoring Lot to his former exalted position.
. Eventually, Abram grew increasingly despondent as he was now far to old to have an heir, and it looked as though he would probably have to leave all his worldly goods to an ungrateful servant. “Naw! Don’t freak out.” encouraged God. “I’m going to give you as many descendants as there are stars in the sky!” Naturally, Abram was a little skeptical. After all, he hadn’t been able to get it up for years, and Viagra was still thousands of years away… Old man!” chided God. “Haven’t I always come through for you in the past?”
. Abram pondered a moment and replied: “But how do I know this will continue into the future?”
. “Well,” answered the deity. “I glad you asked. Kill me a cow, a female goat, a ram, a turtledove and a baby pigeon. That oughtta do the trick…” So God’s hapless servant sighed deeply and gathered up the proscribed animals, lay them dutifully on his altar and chopped them to little bits, except the pigeon. (No one knows why. Perhaps, because baby pigeons are cuter than cows, or goats, or rams or turtledoves.) Birds of prey swooped down to claim the eviscerated carrion, but Abram chased them away with his walking stick, the little shits!
That night, Abram fell into a deep coma and had some very scary dreams. (Unless it was the wild mushrooms his wife put in the soup…) His his vision, Abram again saw God. (They were gettin’ to be old pals!) But God told him to sit down. He had some heavy news. Seems this God had decided, for no apparent reason, (which was reason enough for God), that for the next, say- 400 years, all of Abrams descendants would have a hell of a time on earth! Sorry. Just had to be done. They will all become strangers in a strange land, where they will be forced into slavery and face lives of intolerable miserable and deprivation! (Again with the sticks! Hadn’t God created carrots yet?) All this bad news threw our hero Abram into an immediate depression, but seeing this, Bully Boss God said: “Lighten up, dude! I’ll eventually punish all the slaveholders and reward the former slavers by facilitating a massive transfer of wealth. God is nothing if not a social engineer. Apparently, he is a Socialist also. (Commie!) Again, a placating God reassured his “favorite human” that he was blessed above all others, though Abram was beginning to doubt how. “After all”, crooned slimy False Shyster God, “the curse only goes on four centuries. That’s only about five generations that will have to suffer miserably for no decipherable reason before justice is served. Seemed perfectly reasonable to God…
. Just to remind the old geezer Who Was Boss, God made some strange, magical stuff happen on his main altar, but made sure there was no one else there to see it, (so Abram couldn’t brag about it), making him really wish camcorders had been invented so he could prove to the other villagers that it hadn’t been just the effect of his wife’s psychotropic stew…
Abram’s clan gets a make-over from God, an unlikely son is born in the process, and Rebekah wishes she had not watered the damn camels!
* * *
A few years ago, I came across a copy of a children’s illustrated Bible in a free pile at a yard sale, and perusing the garish and lurid drawings I decided it might be an interesting read. No kidding! What a strange, twisted, perverted bunch of elaborate hooey it is. Intended to brainwash and indoctrinate impressionable young minds, I found it both alarming and as fascinating to watch as a train wreck. Part way through, I found myself reinterpreting each passage in my mind as I read it, in a most amusing and sacrilegious way, and thought it might be fun to transcribe these reimaginings as I went, with a bent toward illuminating the hidden or inferred meanings buried in the text. As I neared the end of the Old Testament, I became aware that as a piece of literature, it is crap, providing no ending whatsoever, but just kind of petering out in a couple half-hearted parables that seemed all but devoid of meaning. So I scrapped the project and forgot all about it. But when the first draft reemerged from the jetsam of my life, I gave it a read, and found myself laughing out loud throughout. As far as I’m concerned, this is an appropriate reaction to the Bible…
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