Cain set the tone for the next several thousand years, when he became the first person to bash is brother’s brains out with a rock.
. Meanwhile, back at the ranch: Adam knocked Eve up again and she had a little guy named “Seth” to replace the defective child God had banished. Eventually, Adam made tons of babies with her, until he was ready for Medicare, and her womb was all dried up and barren.
. Eventually, their children came of age and began to fornicate with each other, because there was simply on one else to couple with. It was not yet known that the children of siblings produce cretinous offspring with the intellect of turnips- so they went right on cranking them out, until today, the world is filled with the idiot offspring of simpletons Eve and Adam.
. Nine generations later came a righteous dude named Noah. Though he was just a man, he was such a goody-two-shoes butt-kisser, that he quickly became one of God’s favorite peons. In fact, his obsequious goodness just made everyone else look bad by comparison, pissing everyone off a good deal. As a result, The Big Guy began to loathe all his other creations, except Noah. Mr. Bigshot grew so jaded he came to believe all men were wicked and evil. So he decided to start fresh and just murder ‘em all! He instructed his loyal minion Noah to build a big boat- giving him very precise instructions, because God was a very fussy deity who liked to micro-manage everything, explaining that He was just so disgusted He decided to drown most living things in a big-ass killer flood. He explained to the old fart that two of each kind of living creature would soon come to him- one male and one female. He was to bring them aboard the boat to keep them safe during the massacre so they could repopulate the earth after things dried out. (After all, what good is being a God without lesser beings to torment?) Noah gave his wife the task of checking to make sure no homosexual couples came aboard, as he had not yet invented cloning- a very unpleasant job!
. Well, as promised (or rather- threatened), the day came when the skies opened up in a raging torrent hat lasted 40 days and 40 nights, because God Guy was strangely fixated on the number “40”. Noah and his family watched impassively as all the men, women and beasts of the world died horrible deaths all around them. (The message was not lost on this family: DO NOT FUCK WITH THIS GOD. A sense of humor is something He lacks completely.) It continued to flood until the oceans covered the globe, leveling off at 45 feet above Mount Everest. (The Lord decided to throw in an extra 5 feet to make sure everything was good and dead. And they were!) It was a slaughter. The first genocide of many to follow, and God-guy did not bat a great powerful eyelash.
. It took 150 days for the floating zoo to run aground on the pinnacle of Mount Ararat, on the 17th of July. (Say what you will about the guy- God keeps good records.) By the 1st of October other peaks could be seen jutting above the slowly receding waters, although where all the water went- nobody knew. 40 days later, Noah released one each of the extra doves and ravens he overstocked for the purpose. The raven just darted around crazily, but the dove took off in search of dry land. No such luck. The exhausted dove returned unsuccessful. They spent a week playing cards to pass the time- for sadly, there was no TV yet, no NFL, no Internet or streaming Netflix. Then Capt. Noah released the dove again. (Obviously, one cannot trust a raven with anything important.) This time, the dove returned, bearing a fresh olive leaf in his beak. That night, they dined on roast raven with garlic. (The dove was very relieved!)
. When all was dry, Noah and his family disembarked, and all the critters were turned loose to repopulate the zoos and wildlife parks. Still, Bully God demanded more fealty. So Noah built an altar, tracked down a bunch of the animals he had just freed and burnt them alive on it- just the way God likes it. The Lord smelled the dead charcoal animals from up in Heaven and began to salivate. This reminded him exactly why he had created the beasts of the field in the first place: they were so damn delicious to eat! With this, he vowed not to be such a bloodthirsty dick again, swearing (with complete insincerity) never to schedule another mass-butchery. He made a covenant with old Noah not to fuck with his ancestors- a promise a cold-blooded killer like Him could never hope to keep. Then, he created the rainbow, as a physical reminder of His (worthless) covenant- so that every time a human would see the spectrum of colors in the sky, they would be reminded what a liar and a cheat their Heavenly Bossman was.
. After making this empty promise, Dictator God watched impassively, allowing his trusty servant Noah to die a horrible death from the excruciating indignities of extreme old age, before moving on to his next fixation… Just like Thaddious J. Toad in WIND IN THE WILLOWS, Mr. Master cold not seem to keep His focus on anything for long, because He kept dreaming up some pretty new bauble to toy with, and torment…
In the springtime of the planet, there’s a lotta nookie goin’ on. There must be, because everyone seemed to be begatting someone!
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A few years ago, I came across a copy of a children’s illustrated Bible in a free pile at a yard sale, and perusing the garish and lurid drawings I decided it might be an interesting read. No kidding! What a strange, twisted, perverted bunch of elaborate hooey it is. Intended to brainwash and indoctrinate impressionable young minds, I found it both alarming and as fascinating to watch as a train wreck. Part way through, I found myself reinterpreting each passage in my mind as I read it, in a most amusing and sacrilegious way, and thought it might be fun to transcribe these reimaginings as I went, with a bent toward illuminating the hidden or inferred meanings buried in the text. As I neared the end of the Old Testament, I became aware that as a piece of literature, it is crap, providing no ending whatsoever, but just kind of petering out in a couple half-hearted parables that seemed all but devoid of meaning. So I scrapped the project and forgot all about it. But when the first draft reemerged from the jetsam of my life, I gave it a read, and found myself laughing out loud throughout. As far as I’m concerned, this is an appropriate reaction to the Bible...
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