> A few years ago, I came across a copy of a children’s illustrated Bible in a free pile at a yard sale, and perusing the garish and lurid drawings I decided it might be an interesting read. No kidding! What a strange, twisted, perverted bunch of elaborate hooey it is. Intended to brainwash and indoctrinate impressionable young minds, I found it both alarming and as fascinating to watch as a train wreck. Part way through, I found myself reinterpreting each passage in my mind as I read it, in a most amusing and sacrilegious way, and thought it might be fun to transcribe these reimaginings as I went, with a bent toward illuminating the hidden or inferred meanings buried in the text. As I neared the end of the Old Testament, I became aware that as a piece of literature, it is crap, providing no ending whatsoever, but just kind of petering out in a couple half-hearted parables that seemed all but devoid of meaning. So I scrapped the project and forgot all about it. But when the first draft reemerged from the jetsam of my life, I gave it a read, and found myself laughing out loud throughout. As far as I’m concerned, this is an appropriate reaction to the Bible…
So I thought I’d share it with you, gentle reader. Please don’t bother with this if you are easily offended by satire that is hostile to Christianity. That would be like gorging on a food you detest. If your intellectual diet precludes parody of sacred cows, by all means, skip this dish. For the heartier souls among you, I offer this Grown-up Children’s Bible for the healthily skeptical to enjoy… I call the first chapter:
“God-Guy Does a Bunch of Cool Miracles”
IN THE BEGINNING…
some dude named “God” created the heavens and the earth. He was very bored. Not like there was anything better to do. But it was dark, and he could not see what he was doing, so He said: “Let there be Light!” and the guy was so all-powerful, there was Light! Cool trick! But all this light began to bother his eyes, so he decided to have darkness too. Besides, it was very difficult to sleep with bright lights in his eyes. This was the first day.
The second day this “God” got thirsty, so he created water. When this didn’t do the trick, he created whiskey.
By the third day he looked down, and lo! He was waterlogged. Not cool. He decided to create lands rising above the waters so he would have somewhere dry to take a vacation.
On the fourth day, he got a bug up his ass and set to work in earnest creating the sun- to get a nice suntan, and a moon- to excuse his bad behavior. He also made a bunch of cool stars and set them aside for later.
On the fifth day, all this unlimited power went to His head and He started to feel a little bossy, so He created a bunch of birds He could put in cages and little fishes He could murder and eat. And they were delicious!
On the sixth day, Superdude said: “I’m still hungry! Let there be more delicious creatures like cattle and pigs.” But these edible creatures were too dumb to get any satisfaction from tormenting, so He decided to make “special” critters called humans that looked a lot like Him, but without all the awesome omnipotence and stuff. (Kinda ripped them off, actually- in leaving out the very best stuff.) These new creatures would be so full of themselves they would actually believe all this natural bounty He made was for them and them alone- giving them the right to subjugate all the other animals and trash the planet for their own short term goals. (Short-sighted of God, at best…)
On the seventh day, Mr. God figured everything was about done. He was pooped anyway. Creating heavens and earth, oceans and lands, suns and moons, animals and humans was exhausting- even for the uber-dude, so He decided to spend the entire day chilling out. He found that He enjoyed being lazy so much, He decreed the seventh day a holiday, to glorify Himself and keep the humans in their place. Time to invent margaritas! Oh yeah.
Well, now what? God needed a place to drink His refreshing beverage, so He decided to plant a garden. And not just any garden, oh no! Not good enough for Him! He had to create the best damn garden He could imagine- and He had a pretty good imagination. Just to sew the seeds of trouble, which He always found very entertaining, He decided to plant two special trees there: ‘The Tree of Life’ and ‘The Tree of Good and Evil’. Then, to demonstrate what a magnanimous guy He was, He told His only minion “Adam” to help himself to anything in the garden- except of course, the most desirable fruit in the whole damn garden, just to drive the poor human completely friggin’ crazy. That, greedy God wanted all to himself.
But God-dude quickly grew bored with torturing Adam. The wretch was such an easy target, it was like shooting fish in a barrel- no sport whatsoever. He decided to double the population of the garden, so He would have another being to torment mercilessly. So He split the poor schmuck in two, insuring that one half would always be at odds with the other and always feel incomplete without its counterpart, creating “man” and “woman” in order to divide and conquer. Savvy move, but a pain in the rib for Adam. Knocking Adam out with a celestial brick, He proceeded to operate on the hapless guinea pig without using any anesthesia at all. He just tore open Adam’s flesh, reached in, and yanked out one of his bones. Youch! Using the DNA from the marrow, he fashioned a foil for Adam, a thing he called “Eve”. It was fun to have sentient beings to mess with, and God saw that He was very sly. Good stuff! Both earthlings were butt-ass-naked, but too stupid to notice, so they went right on with their clueless existences.
Then one day, a half-finished lizard serpent slithered along and beguiled Eve with its muscular, phallic sinew. Eve felt strangely aroused, though she couldn’t say why. “Hey baby!” cooed the sexy snake to the sexless woman, as he coiled around the forbidden tree. “Why don’t you ever eat the best shit in this garden anyway? These Apples of Knowledge are DA KINE, woman!”
“Oh, I couldn’t eat those!” demurred Eve. “That big, loud empresario in the sky said that stuff would kill me!”
“Aw, girl!”, hissed the snake, “You believe any old thing the loudest talker tells you? I eat those things by the dozens, woman. Ain’t hurt me none…”
And with this, the guileless but easily influenced woman shrugged and took a big bite of the juicy red apple- and damn if it wasn’t delicious! Even better, it seemed to have psychoactive properties. Just then, Adam showed up to see what all the ruckus was, and began to protest, but she ordered him to shut up and take a bite if he knew what was good for him. Once they both tasted of the apple, it instantly occurred to them that they were naked, and man was that embarrassing! Suddenly, nudism was uncool, so they began to forage for fig leaves to cover up the good bits, stitching together the first jock strap and bikini ever made, creating the art of fashion. Now they were stylin’!
So- the guy who liked to lord over them suddenly shows up, and begins calling for them. Knowing He would be royally pissed that they had disobeyed him, Eve and Adam ran for cover and hid themselves. And they were right. Dude was pissed! When He parted the bushes they were hiding in, and caught a glimpse of their new fig fashions, God knew they’d eaten the fruit he was saving for himself. Adam blamed Eve, and Eve blamed the wily serpent for tempting her. Not being a merciful kinda guy, God decided to punish all three.
“Snake!”, He roared. “You are on my shit-list now, buddy! Now you’ll never grow arms and legs, but be forced to wriggle on your belly and eat my dust!”
“Woman!” He bellowed. “For this transgression, I’m gonna make you have babies- LOTS of ’em- it’s gonna hurt, and man, will they bring you grief! Any fleeting happiness you may have will be at the whim of Adam , your new husband. He gets to be the boss of you now- and will always get more respect and earn more money than you for doing the exact same things!”
“Adam!” he exclaimed finally. “Stupid nit! What you listening to that harpy for? Now everything will be fucked-up for you dude! No more free ride for you! You’ll have to be a farmer now, and actually work for your living. A lot of your crops will taste like shit. Some of it will even poison you! Then: you die. Dead. Gone! Forever! Back to the common dust you lower castes come from. Splat!”
Asshole that he was, the seductive snake snickered at their fate. He didn’t care at all about not having extremities. Didn’t need ’em! But Eve had the last laugh, killing the nasty beast with one stomp. Squish! Good riddance.
As it turns out, one of the previous jobs this God had was tailor, so He killed Him some sweet, innocent deer and used their outer carcasses to make work clothes for the wretched pair. Then, quickly, before it could occur to them to eat from the Tree of Life and live forever, God called in his bouncers to eject the newly married couple from Club Eden. He posted chubby killer babies around the entrances with nasty weapons, and hung a magical flaming sword in the air above the main gate, to prevent their returning. Lastly, placing security barrier around the Tree of Life to rope it off for good.
BON VOYAGE, LOSERS! Good luck with that curse…
The Big Meddler In The Sky “blesses” the newlyweds with a cold-hearted murderer and a spineless victim, all in good fun!
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© Kevin Paul Keelan and lastcre8iveiconoclast, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Kevin Paul Keelan and lastcre8iveiconoclast with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.